The Father’s Day Festival is a great idea, keep it up!!!

I am a woman who lives in a country that likes to publically proclaim it’s adherence to human rights, but which systematically denies women the basic right of seeing their children. I need to keep my name anonymous as the consequences of being identified could result in my limited access to my children being totally taken away by my ex husband.

I was married to my husband and so I am supposed to have some rights, but husbands in my country seem to have all the power when marriage breaks up, and women are left to fight for limited access to our children. I have spent thousands of pounds trying to see my children. I know they love me, but my husband has made sure that they spend so little time with me that they don’t feel part of my life. I put up with a lot of verbal abuse from him on the phone, but I have to just accept this because he has all the power it seems. He has on a number of occasions just stopped me seeing my children altogether. For example, last Christmas he suddenly decided not to let me see them at all. That was really hard. I have to fit in with him all the time. Once he phoned me and said I could see my kids, but that I’d have to be there in 30minutes. I took a taxi which cost me a fortune. He only did this because he needed someone to look after them for a while. I knew I was being used by him, but I got two hours with my children. But then a few days later he just cancelled the next arranged visit, saying since I’d already seen them I wasn’t getting to see them twice in the same month.

People don’t understand when I try to explain things. They say to me “why don’t you do something, you have rights?” Well I have, I have gone to court, used up all my savings on lawyers and even got a court order allowing me access. But my ex husband just ignores it. He comes up with ridiculous excuses, says the children are ill etc. I have to go to court to prove he’s lying, and it drags on for months and costs me a fortune. Then the court, instead of helping me get access, ruled that this was all distressing the children and I should stop taking the action. It’s unbelievable. What’s the point in women having rights if they can just be ignored by the man? The courts just seem to take the husband’s side. I can’t understand it. I’ve no money left now anyway. And I’m up to my eyeballs in debt because of it all.

I can’t describe what it feels like to be denied access to my children. I feel like a part of me is dying inside. I want to kick and scream and get angry, but I know if I do that it will just make it more impossible to see my kids. It makes me depressed and I live with a knot in my stomach. I want to cry, but it just won’t come out. I can’t look at other mothers in the street being happy with their children. My kids are always on my mind. I wish I could just pick up the phone and say “hello darlings how was school today?” but he doesn’t allow any contact except for once a month for about two hours. I’ve tried to write to them but they never get the letters. Their father has told them unpleasant things about me but he has said if I talk about the past to them I will never see them.

Those two hours are so precious. I have to take them to a café or something, I save up money for it. It is better than it used to be though. Until recently he would sit at the next table and watch me. I felt awkward and my ex husband always gives me instructions about what to do and what not to. I have to agree before I see them. For example, I must not let anyone else meet them, such as my mum. Only me. So my children don’t know my parents, they don’t realise they have other grandparents. If I mention them then my husband will stop me seeing my kids altogether.But to be honest, I have let my mum know, and she sat a couple of tables away so she could see the children with me. I was so nervous though. I was worried my ex had sent a friend I might not know to spy on me, so my mum had to pretend that she wasn’t with me. She cried for hours after.

I so look forward to the time with my kids but it’s over so quickly. Sometimes he just calls me when I’m waiting and says it’s not convenient and I have to wait a whole extra month to see them. It’s agony. I know my kids love me. But they’re growing up and I’m missing all that. The fleeting moments I get with them almost makes it worse. It’s torture. I have thought about just not trying to see them any more, just giving up. I walk around with a knot in my stomach, and miss them so much. I think maybe if I could just enjoy life without them it’s be better. But I can’t do that. I’m their mother I want them in my life.

I did have a partner recently and that helped, but he left me. He couldn’t take all the stress, all the unpleasantness from my ex husband, and the financial drain. My ex husband demands lots of money you see. Of course I know I must contribute, but I have to work overtime to pay him, and if I’m a day late he’ll use it as an excuse to stop my next visit.

I’d love my kids to stay over, but my ex husband has the house we used to live in and I stay in a small one bed roomed house. He says there’s no way he’ll agree because my flat is too small. The authorities have agreed with him, so I asked the authorities if I could get put on the waiting list for a two bed roomed house, but they said that a woman in my situation gets no special treatment with housing. It seems so unfair. All I want is a place where my children can stay with me. But I’m stuck in a catch 22 situation, and meanwhile my kids are growing up.

I keep most of this to myself. I don’t speak about my situation at work. Most of my workmates don’t even know I have children. It’s too painful for me to talk about it, but also in my country there is a huge prejudice against mothers who have been divorced. There is an assumption that we are to blame, and that we are bad mothers, and that we must have been immoral or abusive and that’s why our husbands are no longer with us. The newspapers often call us names like “absent mothers”, as if it’s our choice to be separated from our children. Of course, I admit, there are some bad mothers who don’t care, but there are bad fathers too. It doesn’t justify labelling us all like that, and using it to stop us seeing our children.

Recently some of the mothers have tried to change things in my country. But when we campaign for our rights to see our children, we get abuse and ridicule from men writing to the papers saying we deserve it, that it must be our fault. It almost makes you afraid to speak out, but I know there are thousands of other women in my position in my country. I can’t understand why politicians just ignore our rights. We need justice not just for ourselves but for our children, surely they have a right to be in their mothers’ lives as well.

You might have heard of my country. It’s called Scotland. Everything I have told you is true, except I am a man and not a woman. All the gender references I have used are the opposite of the real ones. Apart from that it’s all true. Maybe the fact that I’m a man and not a woman will suddenly change your mind about the injustice of this situation, and if it does I suppose it just proves my point about the prejudice I receive.

I know I am a good father, or at least would be if I was allowed to be. I hope one day I will be able to talk openly about this painful situation, but for a while more I need to remain anonymous as I know my ex wife would deny me those precious two hours which gives me the reason to keep going. I won’t give up on them, I love them too much for that. Thanks for reading.
Written by a dad from one of my storytelling groups.